Parenting

Every time I go to the store with my children I am anxious that they will ask for new toys and throw tantrums if I refuse. Just last week our elder son was adamant on buying a fire truck toy at the stationary store. It took great effort to convince him how plastic toys are not good for the environment and I managed to postpone the discussion. As parents we have frequently faced the tantrums from children wanting some kind of food or gifts, not wanting to do something, not getting along with a sibling or peer, or just some unknown reasons. In some cases the parents may react negatively to tantrums, leading to severe consequences. I've been asked multiple times on how to deal with tantrums or unruly behavior of children, and was thus motivated to write this blog. 

There is always a cause, situational or psychological behind a child's tantrum, whether we may understand it or not. Here are a few ways to deal with tantrums that I have found to be effective. I have collated them through the past few years; some of them are gathered from different websites and some are experiential.   

1. Learn from them as to what circumstances lead them to tantrums. Try to avoid or rectify that circumstance in the future.

2. Divert the attention of the child by changing the topic.

3. Use points system: award them points for good behavior and negative points for bad behavior. Positive points earn "rewards" when they add up to 10

4. Mirror their behavior - you act like the child and throw the same tantrum. The kids understand that this is strange behavior and it sometimes makes them laugh.

5. Engage them in some physical activity everyday. This way they get tired and don't have the energy to throw tantrums.

6. Sometimes children act strangely, similar to tantrums, if something is hurting them or they are extremely hungry or thirsty. In such situations you just try feeding them nice things or talk to them sweetly to understand what is hurting them.

7. Just hug them tightly, kiss them - give them all the love. This works with both our children (elder son and younger daughter).

In many cases, parents react negatively on the child when they throw tantrums. This is natural, but it may end up strongly hurting the child on some occasions. Beating a child or yelling at them in uncontrolled anger are some not-very-uncommon practices (especially in India), but these especially hurt children psychologically. This should be avoided by keeping in mind the different ways in which we can "intelligently" handle tantrums - as stated above.

In some cases children throw tantrums because of hormonal changes. The child does not know this and is under the complete control of the chemicals running in their . In such cases parents must understand that kids do not have control over themselves - they are like robots in the hands of mother Nature. These are indeed testing times for parents. Parents must understand this through their intelligence and not lose their temper.

Only in extreme cases should strong measures be taken to rectify the child (like if they are breaking some very important rule of the house or an important moral principle). Sometimes you may have to also directly reward the child if he is willing to give up his tantrum.

A saint, Srila Prabhupada, quoted the following relevant in the context of children's upbringing.

The basic idea of raising children as they are described in the Vedic literature is that from birth till the age of five years the parents may be very lenient with the child. From the ages six to ten they should tighten the discipline of their child, and from the ages of ten till the sixteenth year the parents should be as strict as a tiger with their child so that he will be afraid to be disobedient at all. Then after the sixteenth year the parents shall treat their child as a friend, and the child is allowed to gradually develop his adult responsibility and independence. (Letter to Vibhavati, Los Angeles 15 July, 1969).